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My Other Spots:
JnutsJournalToo
Clayigraphy
My Saturday Evening Post
Schnoogles
FaceBook
Family and Friends Blogs:
Whitney and Aaron
Daryn and Jon
The Girl I Mean To Be (Whitney's Blog)
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2015-09-19 - 9:24 p.m. Something I Once Wrote In My Journal MANY years ago and MANY miles away... I want my mother! I really do! I'm feeling the same pangs of homesickness that i felt as a little girl on staying at a friends house for the night, or feelings of near terror when i'd be someplace without her and have the thought that she might never come back for me again. When mom used to take Carol to Seminary in the morning and leave me in her bed... i would count as far as i possibly could until i saw the reflections of headlights on the closet door and i knew she was home. But now i feel those realy feelings of insecurity, not just childhood fears. I know how easy it would be to lose them (my family) completely, in a second! Or for them to lose me. I know that so many things have changed and that my entire family will never sit down to dinner again together. I don't even remember the last time we did. I've lost so many precious, precious things in my life. Things that will never be mine again no matter how hard i try to bring them back. My younger sister is going to be a mother. My sister whom i've always mothered and wanted to protect myself. And me, still a child myself. Still having the dreams and hopes i've wanted all my life. but where are they? I keep expecting my life to change. When i try to picture the future i see me with the face of my mother surrounded by my children in church. I see me as my grandmother sewing up those holes that children wear into socks. But my life is not heading in that direction. My life points to nights alone, wondering... or at a party with a cig in one hand and a drink in the other. Life only goes in the direction you make it go. My fear is looking back on my life with no more recollections of happiness than i have now. I've had many happy times in my life but mostly just temporary happinesses. The ones i remember most, the ones that give me a warm glow and fond longing are those times spent with the ones i love. I do love them so much and i am frightened like i've never been in my life that i somehow won't be able to let them know. The devil is in this place! I feel the evils all around me, all the time. I have to go - to get rid of them. It oveepowers me sometimes and i'm afraid for myself and i just want my mother to hold me so badly. She is truly such a good person.. what she's been through in her life and still what goodness and love she radiates. But I need to do what is expected of me here for now and not think about home until it's time to leave. Please help me to realize what my family means to me when i get home. I know i'll only have them for a short time before i'll have to leave and return to do the things i feel i have to do. Am i really that person? Are those the things i really want? How do i set my life in a different direction without changing everything i know? Can i have both? Do i want both? I want to leave tonight. Oh if i only could! I hate this house. I'll scream in a minute. I can't sleep. Why are there so many people outside my door? Why don't they just shut up... or go away? Who are they even? I want to cry so badly, but there's no one to hear me or care and i can't waste my crying efforts with only me as an audience. w.o.w. Santo Domingo - March 14th 1977...
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